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by Pamela White, Ph.D., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes, M.A.
Today: What are some steps that parents can take to strengthen
their relationships with their children?
White: Before we address this, I want to say that no one is an expert in
this area. Kids have a way of humbling us all. Something we thought was
going to work, doesn't, or something that worked yesterday, may not work
today. This means one of the most important traits that we as parents have
to cultivate is a healthy dose of humor. We have to be able to laugh at
ourselves, the situation, and with our children. To find our humor, we need
to find the child in each of us. This may be the child we were or the child
we wished we were. If we can get into that "zone," we can relate to our
children better. It helps to remind ourselves what it's like being a little,
powerless creature in this big world. This can help us as we try to get
into that "zone." Humor and getting the child's perspective are important
in building a relationship. Sometimes to relate to your child's world, you
actually have to get down on the floor to remember what it's like to look
up at everything all the time. Maybe an old photo album can trigger memories
of what it was like to be going into fourth grade. Maybe you have to reread
your high school diaries to remember what it was like when a pimple ruined
your world. We need to get into their shoes. However, we must keep in mind
that what it was like for us is not what it's like for them. Teenagers,
especially, don't like to hear, "When I was your age...." Our goal is to
get in touch with their perspective of being small or having emotional upheavals.
We also help both our children and ourselves by learning about developmental
stages. We have to know what is appropriate to expect from children at what
age. While we may have to remind a young child to finish his or her homework,
adolescents can take more responsibility for themselves and their school
work. By understanding child development, we create realistic expectations
for our children and minimize our frustration because we're not setting
unreasonable goals.
What are other benefits to seeing the world through our children's
eyes?
One of the important gifts children give us is the wonder of the moment.
We often get caught up in the day-to-day, hurry-hurry-hurry busy stuff.
When we make a sincere effort to see the world through our children's eyes,
we can enjoy the wonder a child has. How often has a child commented on
something we've seen a thousand times, yet don't notice anymore? Imagine
that your child says, "Look! That's the most beautiful cloud I've ever seen!"
We may be tempted to say, "Yeah, it's nice. C'mon, we gotta go. Do you have
your books? Do you have your lunch?" And the moment passes us by. We need
to carve out those places. We need to stop and say, "I didn't even notice
that. You're right. Wow, it's a beautiful cloud." We can experience the
wonder with them, and it strengthens our bond with them. Children will get
excited about the butterfly, the second-base hit, the cute guy who passes
a note between classes. Sharing these moments means taking time.
Do you mean quality time or quantity time?
I mean kid time. Kid time is not: "I'm spending time with you. Get your
bath done. Say your prayers. Now it's time for bed." That's not kid time.
We need to do time on kid's time, which has a lot more infinity in it. Sometimes
you sit there and do nothing or you color on the same page for fifteen minutes.
That can be hard for adults because we think, "We're wasting time." We need
to view that time as an investment in strengthening our relationship and
say to ourselves, "In this thirty minutes, I'm on kid time. I'm not going
to think about everything else I need to get done, I'm just going to be
here." This is another gift our children can give us-being present in the
moment. Whether it's building something out of blocks or listening to a
selection off a new CD, we can turn off our "hurry, hurry" and just be there
with the kids. That's quality time that will strengthen a relationship.
Slow down and allow their time to take priority.
What else is involved in "kid time"?
Listening. We're not always good at listening. We want them to get to the
point. We want the Cliff's Notes version, and we're missing the process.
The process for them is not the point or the conclusion. It's just to be
and to talk and to ramble. If we can be there with them during that, then
they really feel listened to. This is especially important with younger
children because it builds a foundation for communication. Later, when our
children are older and we want information, we want to make sure communication
is open. If we've been listening to them, they know we have time for them.
If it takes young children fifteen minutes to get to a point, that's OK.
They'll feel more secure in getting to their point in the future.
What you're advocating is listening respectfully, right?
Yes-and there's no age limit to respect. The two-year-old needs the respect
of listening and manners just as the sixteen-year-old does. It's also important
to remember that listening is not lecturing. While not lecturing is important
for children, it's especially important for adolescents. Teenagers are trying
to reach out on their own and need to feel they have the competence to do
it on their own. If we fall into the trap of lecturing them on what and
how they should do something, they often don't listen. Sometimes, we don't
even listen to ourselves. If we did, we'd say, "Get off it already." I think
of the Far Side cartoon that shows what a dog's owner says and what
the dog hears. The dog owner is talking and talking, and the dog only hears
"blah, blah, blah." If we lecture too much, our children will only hear
"blah, blah, blah." We must move to a position of listening instead of lecturing.
If we listen more and say less, we establish a pattern. By the time our
children are teens, they'll respect that pattern and take advice for what
it's worth.
If I try to get in the "kid zone" and listen more than lecture, don't
I risk undermining my parental authority?
Grownups still need to be the leaders and provide structure and limits.
If children don't have structure and limits, they can become insecure and
may not be able to manage their own behavior. There's a balance. We have
to connect with them on their level while making sure there's no question
that we're the leader, authority figure, and role model. A good leader doesn't
advocate, "Do as I say, not as I do." Good leaders show in their behavior
the integrity between their words and actions. That speaks volumes to kids.
They understand that at a gut level much more than adults do. As adults,
we're used to some of the hypocrisy and inconsistencies in the world. Children
aren't. If you tell them not to smoke, but you smoke, they don't get it.
We must be aware that our words and actions have to mesh. If we have integrity,
that helps our children. We also must be open if they point out inconsistencies.
If a child says, "But, Mom, you said this and you're doing that," we can't
respond, "Be quiet. I'm the parent." We need to say, "You're right. I don't
think I was even aware of that. Now that you've made me aware, I want to
think of a different way to handle it." Parents can be open with their children
about some of the mistakes they've made and model problem-solving and continuing
to accept themselves despite having made a mistake. This teaches that it's
OK to make a mistake and grow from it. It also teaches them that no matter
how old you are, sometimes you still make mistakes. How we respond to mistakes
is important. What happens if your child spills something? Do you punish
him or her? Do you yell? Perhaps you say, "Oops, you spilled. Let's clean
it up." Now, think about what happens when you spill. Do you berate yourself?
Maybe this is the chance to say, "Oops. I made a mistake, but I'm going
to clean it up. You're going to help? That's great. I'll help you when you
make mistakes, too." This approach is more communal, cooperative, forgiving,
and understanding.
Does this approach build a child's self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a buzzword right now. It's an important concept, and there's
a danger of it getting watered down and too simplified. It's certainly more
than just praising children for everything they do. Self-esteem comes from
an inner confidence and knowledge that you're capable. To help build your
children's self-esteem, you must notice what they accomplish and how they've
learned from making their own mistakes and accepting responsibility. For
example, although we can get them ready for school faster, we let them take
five tries at tying their shoes. As adults, it's our responsibility to structure
the situation so they have these opportunities to try new challenges. That
may mean something as concrete as getting up a half-hour earlier to allow
the extra time for those five tries at tying shoes. If you provide the supportive
atmosphere, they'll continue to try new challenges that will build their
self-esteem.
What else can parents do to enhance their family's relationships?
Other important aspects of family life are rituals and traditions. They
provide structure and security in which children learn. Routines give kids
a sense of what to expect and how to manage their feelings and behaviors.
They know they'll have a chance to do something at a certain point in time.
The bedtime ritual is critical-whatever it happens to be in the family-because
the child can depend on that routine. Bedtime is when activities slow down.
That's when I'll frequently ask, "What's been the best (or worst) part of
your day?" This is often a time when my children bring up subjects that
I wouldn't have heard about if we didn't have that ritual. I knew of a mother
who had a ritual she went through each year on her son's birthday. She'd
look at him and say, "I've never been the mother of a ____-year-old before.
I'm excited about it, but you have to help me through this. I might make
mistakes." It was a wonderful ritual because it acknowledged that both she
and her son were passing into a new stage. It allowed them to learn from
each other, mess up, and grow. Parents have different abilities at different
stages, and they need to recognize that. Some people are better parenting
infants, others are better with toddlers, others with elementary-age, and
still others with pre-adolescents or teenagers. Despite particular age-group
abilities, parents need to recognize they can't say, "It'll be better when
they're all out of diapers," or "It'll be better when they're all in high
school." I would caution against wishing away years of their child's life.
They have to enjoy the four-year-old and have the best there is of a four-year-old.
They have to enjoy the ten-year-old and have the best there is of a ten-year-old.
They have to enjoy the seventeen-year-old and have the best there is of
a seventeen-year-old.
Do you have any other advice for parents?
Use the resources available. Look in your community events listing for
kid's festivals, children's museums, library programs, science center
offerings, hayrides. Churches not only offer a place for families to worship
together, but provide many activities ranging from family camping weekends
to serving in food kitchens. I also suggest parenting classes. None of
us are experts, so we owe it to the profession of parenting to keep learning.
We need to learn what the developmental stages of childhood are, what
new ideas are out there, and what we can draw on. We do this kind of continuing
education in our professions. Parenting is the most important profession
we have. It deserves our attention, our learning, and our questioning
of some of the old assumptions that have been handed down to us. As I
grew up, I had my parents for role models and I absorbed other ideas from
my culture. But there is a lot I have not been exposed to. If someone
has ideas that can reaffirm some of my actions or spur me to keep trying
when I feel discouraged or give me an idea I can use with my kids to strengthen
our relationship, that's worthwhile. We can get these from parenting classes
or parent support groups. Often, they can help us enjoy parenting more.
This brings me back to the first point. If we have a sense of humor, we
can enjoy our children and ourselves more. Appreciating the good times,
relaxing, and having more fun with our children strengthens our families.
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21 Memos from Your Child
- Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all
that I ask for. I'm only testing you.
- Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it; it makes me
feel more secure.
- Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect
them in the early stages.
- Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave
stupidly "big."
- Don't correct me in front of people, if you can help it. I'll
take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
- Don't make me feel as if my mistakes are sins. It upsets my
sense of values.
- Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful
way, sometimes.
- Don't be too upset when I say, "I hate you." It isn't you I
hate, but your power to thwart me.
- Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they
get me the attention I need.
- Don't nag. If you do, I will have to protect myself by appearing
deaf.
- Don't forget that I can't explain myself as well as I would
like. This is why I'm not always very accurate.
- Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feed badly let down
when promises are broken.
- Don't tax my honesty too much. I'm easily frightened into telling
lies.
- Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes
me lose faith in you.
- Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real, and
you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
- Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you'll find
that I stop asking questions and seek my information elsewhere.
- Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives
me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.
- Don't ever think it's beneath your dignity to apologize to me.
An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you.
- Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult
to keep pace with me, but please do try.
- Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get on without
it, so please put up with it.
- Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding
love, but I don't need to tell you, do I!
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TODAY: Strengthening Families
Pamela White, Ph.D., earned her
doctorate in clinical psychology from Kent State University in 1987. She
did her internship at Ohio State Universities Hospitals. She was an Assistant
Branch Director at the Children's Hospital's Guidance Center (NW-Columbus)
before moving to Michigan in 1993. As a psychologist in Pine Rest's Outpatient
Department, she works with children, adolescents, and adults. A mother
of three, White serves as a resource to community groups regarding family
issues, parenting, and other topics such as stress management, eating
disorders, and mood disorders.
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